jondiesattheend

Since you died, I’ve remembered the tight grasp of your arms far more clearly than I ever could while you were alive. That coin still lies in a pocket somewhere. I kept it- I just don’t know where. Normally, I’d type this out into the void, or pray to God that it shall pass, but. Since you died, I’ve remembered that your daughter said you had a heart of gold the same day you chided her for telling me to stop shaking my knee like I’d embarrass us both. Some people are just like that, you’d said, like it was the most normal thing in the world. They just get nervous. Since you died, I’ve remembered tho

Things they don't tell you about taking antidepressants. 1. The side effects will be strange. On the second day, I woke up with my whole left side aching, to the point where I couldn’t even walk. 2. It is not a cure. Your doctor will call, ask how you’re doing. You will say, ‘I still get depressed, but it’s not as bad’. It takes more than six months for you to realise it’s time to do more than pop a pill every morning- but at least it takes the edge off. 3. You will forget to take them, sometimes for days. You won’t realise why you want to throw yourself under a bus until the next time your eyes f

you’re gonna feel heavy. that’s what he tells me when he straps me in. part of the process, see; very scientific, very medical. 99 out of 120 candidates experienced positive results. sure, they were clones of one another, but hey- sample groups ain’t easy to find, these days… you’re gonna feel heavy i’m gonna put you to sleep, then we’ll start again. you with me? you gotta feel heavy, kid- let it get you down, let it bleed you out. don’t worry- i’ll stitch you, just takes a little needle and thread. (you’re gonna feel heavy, you’re gonna give up.)

There are no words for the weight of knowing you would never squeeze me in your arms again. with your mouth hinged wide to swallow the keens of trauma machines, you tried not to breathe you looked up at God with your eyes dead asleep and whispered, my Lord, don’t resuscitate me.

(you will realise too late) to the people that thought i was a comet to be adored: i am as mercury, i am as the calm before storms. i am the ocean where sad souls come to drown. i will vanish when you need me most, and you will want to come find me again. don’t. i am more than just flawed, i am poison. invest yourself in more profitable monsters; i am a terrible thing to love. (i cannot love you back)

the ash on your tongue says you're drowning in flames everything is burning from the inside out; the ripped flesh of your back and shoulders is a nightmare ravaged with heat and your soul glows gold afire